I used cannabis unconsciously for many years. I used it to numb out, disconnect and feel less. Managing my emotions was not a strong suit of mine until just recently actually, so for many years, cannabis was the only thing that would turn down the intensity of my emotions.
I received my medical card in California in 2015 and that was the first time I started using cannabis with intention. I was going through a traumatic divorce, I was in financial strife, I had no sense of control or authority over my life and the cannabis was the only thing that could get me to stop crying. I wept every single day for over eight months during that season.
Over the past four years, I’ve oscillated between my old desires to smoke weed to disconnect and a new experience I was having, where the cannabis seemed to begin intensifying my emotions, instead of softening them. I started getting more and more anxious with cannabis in my system. Thoughts of fear and panic colored my entire experience and I decided to stop smoking for a while.
Simultaneously, I was on my own journey to healing and empowerment. I desired deeply to heal, not only from my divorce, but from all the emotional trauma I endured in my life. I was reading and studying. Learning of meditation, mindfulness and spirituality. I began practicing, and even teaching others, how to heal their emotional wounds by sitting with the feelings and allowing them to be there. I started learning about my own emotions, how to manage them and why I feel so intensely all the time. I began to see that peering nakedly and courageously into the heavy emotions you carry is the only way to be released of them. The body is begging to be heard. And our emotions are its language.
After taking a break from cannabis for a while, I found myself back in California and curious about the industry, the landscape and the consumers. Weed is everywhere and so easily available, it’s unlike anything in history. But everyone was talking about how amazing, fun, healing and medicinal it is. (Which I totally agree with.) But not many people were speaking about the negative affects of cannabis. No one was talking about how important is it to be aware and mindful of how you’re using it. I couldn’t find anyone who was saying, “I love weed, but sometimes it doesn’t serve me.”
So, I started saying it.
I also started talking about how you can learn to manage your emotions by using cannabis as a tool. Not a tool that will disconnect and dull your experience, but as a tool that actually increases the intensity of your emotions (Hello, anxiety!) This increased intensity gives us an opportunity to practice managing our emotions. If you can maintain your inner peace with cannabis in your system, you can surely maintain your peace after an intense conversation with your boss. Or partner. Or whoever.
Early this year, I was home alone and decided to steal a puff of flower from my cousin. (He always has the best weed.) I took a bong hit and decided to meditate. I turned off the lights, lit a few candles, laid down and covered myself with a blanket. I put music on in my headphones and began to just feel. The energy in my body began to dance with the energy of the cannabis. It began to light up and move. It was easy to meditate on it. It was easy to keep the mind quiet because there was a firework show of lights and glitter happening in my body.
All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotion. I began to weep as I allowed this energy to move, shake and release old and new emotions stuck in my nervous system. But I stayed with the sensation in the body. I didn’t think about what was coming up for me, I simply held the container of my being soft and steady. I simply allowed everything that was there to just be there. And I wept.
As more emotions were released, as more of this emotional energy was alchemized and transformed, I was then overwhelmed with the most incredible sensation of unconditional love, acceptance and grace. I began to have a spiritual encounter that gave me such a beautiful sense of belonging and insight. I had visions of my future. I felt the love of God. It was profound.
I asked a few trusted friends if I could try to recreate this experience for them. I didn’t give them much context, as I wanted to see how the experience would land organically. The feedback I got from those women that sat in my very first cannabis meditation circle was so incredible that I cried as they shared their experiences. Every single one of them had a similar experience to mine. Every single one of them received insight, clarity, and emotional release. Many of them wept in surrender, gratitude and awe. Many of them had spiritual encounters. It was one of the most significant experiences of my entire life.
Conscious Cannabis Meditations were born. I had a knowing that if I can hold space and teach others how to feel their bodies, how to hold their container soft and steady, how to keep their attention on the sensations in their bodies, how to relax and surrender to anything and everything that comes up, then I can teach people how to heal themselves.
And once people truly know that they can heal themselves, the whole world will change.
We are all on a similar journey. We all want the same things because we are all the same. We want a life that is peaceful, joyful and free. We want to experience love inside and outside of ourselves. We want community, connection, vulnerability and authenticity.
But until we work through the layers of our emotional wounding, until we forgive ourselves and others for the missteps that caused pain and suffering, until we identify and connect to a Source of Love greater than anything our human minds can begin to comprehend, we will never find the blissful existence that we are all seeking.
All of the answers are inside of you. You just have to learn how to go in.
I want to educate others on developing a conscious relationship to cannabis because I want to educate people on becoming conscious. I want to help people realize their inherent power, the magic that exists inside of their being that we all tend to ignore. I want to educate people on how to overcome their past and how to create their identity rooted in love and abundance.
Cannabis is a tool. Leverage its power on your journey to emotional wellness and spiritual growth. Spend time in the dark, in your body, in your feelings. Everything you feel is ok. The cultural conditioning that has taught us for generations to stuff, ignore or overcome with force is wrong and it does not resonate with love.
We seek and desire love because we are love.
The energy of love is what animates your being. If you learn how to connect back to that energy of love, everything about your human experience will change.
I love you.